The problem with thinking a lot about myself is that I know enough about how my mind works to realise that no matter what I’ll end up exactly the same, exactly where I started. No matter where I go in my often deprecating self-analysis, I always forget about it later, and go back to my usual state of not caring. And i’m beginning to think my not caring is a bad thing. It could ruin my life, because I don’t take anything seriously. I have to realise that if I don’t put some kind of effort in, there’s a possibility I may fail my exams – and what happens then? If I get kicked out of university, what do I do next? I’ve never taken any responsibility in my life. I’ve never had a job, the only work experience I’ve had (which was compulsory) I spent messing around, and I don’t even try to do anything to improve myself.
I was learning to drive last year. I’d been takin lessons for a long time, and in september I took my test. I failed on two things I could easily have improved – but I had to go to uni, and when I got there, I just never bothered. When it was my responsibility to find an instructor and book lessons, I did nothing. Now, almost a year later, and my parents have had to pay tax and insurance on a car I never use. I promised them I’d book lessons this term, and take my test in the summer. I never did it. I can honestly say that most of the time I forgot about it – but the reason I forgot is because I just didn’t take things seriously enough. I didn’t care about it at all, when I should have cared. I should care about where my life is going, and if I don’t start doing that soon, I don’t know what’s going to happen.
I’m giving up all this reading. I’ve just been reading all the time, book after book after book, wasting so much money on them, and the thing is, I’ve reached a point where i’m not even doing it for enjoyment any more – I’m buying books out of habit. I started picking up every book I heard of that I was even vaguely interested in, and though I do enjoy reading them, it just shouldn’t be taking up this much of my time. I need to find better things to do. I just can’t think of anything else there is for me to do.
Of course, in the morning I’ll feel perfectly normal again. And even if I try to keep in mind all the things I’ve said here, they just won’t seem to matter so much any more.